


The smell of death

by orphan_account



Series: It's Sanji [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, I'm Sorry, M/M, Self-Harm, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Have I Done, Why do i keep writing things like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7975330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji has a secret that no-one could know. To keep this secret he self harm's, what happened when Chopper smells the blood? Tigger self harm</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I dont knwo why I wrote stuff like this

(general POV)

Sanji sat, blade to his wrist over the galley sink. The blade slices his skin, crimson droplets landing in the sink, staining the water a pale pink as it flushed down the drain. He slit his wrist deeper and deeper, taking longer to getting one side to the other, inflicting more pain. Sanji loved the familiar feeling of blood cascading down the fresh cut and flowing in the cuts that hadn't started to heal. The stinging feeling was reassuring to Sanji, to prove to himself that he was indeed human. Five piercing knocks responded throughout the empty room.

"Sanji, are you nearly done yet?!" Luffy wailed as he entered the galley.  
"I-It's nearly done." Sanji panicked as he grabbed the old bloody rag and placed or over his cuts, hiding his bloodied wrist from Luffy's view. He grabbed a ribbon and securing the rag in place.  
"Ok. " Luffy said, shutting the door and singing along with Usopp to Brook's playing. He rolled down the sleeves of his shirt and checked on the snacks he had been making for the friends laughing on the deck outside.  
_'What was it like to genuinely laugh?'_ Sanji thought. It had been so long since he laughed. The burning of his sides was long forgotten, and another burning feeling replaced it. He would light his lighter only to place his wrist above the flame and revel in the pain the flame brought him. He was brought out of his maze of thoughts by the timer going off, announcing the ham had been smoked long enough. He took the ham and placed it on the chopping board. The only time Sanji was oblivious to the blood leaking from his left wrist or the burns littering the right was when he was cooking. He felt as if the world and all his troubles would fizzle and disappear, only to reappear when his Nakama are the food he worked so hard on, smiling as they thanked him. His troubles didn't disappear for long as he was only making simple sandwiches, as they needed to ration the food until the next island. Nami had say it would take a week of good weather to arrive there safely, he had more than enough for a month for a crew of that size, but with Luffy around you needed to cook for a hundred, plus 8. Sanji put the sandwiches on plates and delivered them to their rightful consumers. Sanji sat down and nibbled at his sandwich, he forced himself to eat in front of the crew and pretended not to notice when Luffy stole his sandwich although secretly relieved he had. He winced slightly as he went to light a cigarette. The reindeer beside him took in a sharp gasp, obviously shocked.  
"What is it, Chopper?" Usopp asked.  
"Sanji, are you injured?" Chopper asked, his voice wavering between shocked and stern.  
"N-no of course not." Sanji spluttered, knowing he had reopened a cut with the flick of his thumb.  
"I can smell blood." Chopper announced, the crew around his held their breaths waiting for Sanji's answer. Sanji visibly paled and gulped.  
"I-I-I was lost in thought and cut myself my accident." Sanji lied. The people gathered around him let out their breaths that has been nervously holding.  
"Oh ok. Just come to my room and I'll patch it up." Chopper said defeated, as he returned to eating. Chopper looked Sanji over I _f he accidentally cut himself, how did he stop the bleeding, and where is the cut itself? He was also lying about cutting himself by accident._ The animal wondered, eyes widening as he saw a flash of crimson on Sanji's white sleeve.  
**_(Sanji's POV)_**  
"I'll just be washing the dishes." I excused myself in a hurry to get away from Chopper and his animal sense of smell but before I could enter the galley Chopper stood up and looked at me sternly, a fire burning furiously in his eyes.  
"Sanji, roll up your sleeves." I froze like a deer in the headlights I couldn't stop shaking in all honesty I was scared shitless. I pretended to not notice Chopper's request and I started to walk again shaking uncontrollably now. I heard a rustling behind I but paid it no mind, I just had to get to the galley, to feel the blood down my arms, I wanted to bleed, and bleed myself dry. I was pushed down to the ground, the plates I was carrying shattered on the deck. Chopper pinned my arms down, grasped them at the wrist.  
"Chopper stop, that hurts." I whined helplessly. I felt Chopper's hands go to tear down my sleeves and I squirmed. My stomach was doing somersaults. I couldn't take it, my visible eye was brimming with tears, I blinked them back. Chopper rolled up my sleeve and I froze, tense as I as ever been. He took off the rag over my arm to reveal several cuts and dried blood. Some old scars fading and wearing, some cuts fresh and still bleeding a bit. Chopper's hand traveled to my right, rolling it up too. Burns littered it abore. Cracked skin, scars, burn marks and a little bit of blood lay on my pale skin.  
"Oh my..." I heard someone mutter I didn't care who, I opened my eyes to see all of my crew gathered around me, looking at my wrists. I just wanted to dig a hole and die in it. I bit back a sob, but a cry erupted from my throat and I couldn't help myself and I wrenched my arms from Chopper's grasp and covered my face, sob after sob racking my fragile body. Chopper transformed into his normal self and got off me. I curled up into a ball and cried.  
**_(General POV)_**  
One question ran through everyone's mind.  
_'How did he get this boken without us knowing?'_  
Sanji picked himself up off the deck and confined himself in the galley, locking it behind him. He took the knife from under the sink and rested it above the sink, slitting his wrist until his vision was blurry and he felt light headed. He looked around, nothing appearing in his vision but black. He couldn't see, he couldn't move, out cold on the floor of the locked galley.

_**How could I? I don't know how I wrote this. I'm watching Danisnotonfire on younow while writing.  
** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Last time**   
**~outside~**   
**"Sanji... He did that to himself?" Nami whispered. Everyone knew the horrifying truth.**   
**"We have to help him. But how?" Chopper asked. Everyone looked at the door Sanji disappeared in and realises something horrible.**   
**"HE RAN INTO THE GALLEY! SANJI!" Usopp screamed distressed.**   
**"SANJI-BRO!" Franky yelled, following in suit of Chopper, who had ran after the cannoneer. The others ran in without without word. After Chopper punched it down of course. They ran in to find Sanji laying down, his chin laying against his chest. His hands lay at his side both slit deep, his left was worse than his right. His left had 5 horizontal slits (his right the same) but a deep vertical slit ran done the whole of his left forearm. His left at was obviously meant to end it. He was losing so much blood, he wanted to die, and nobody noticed.**

(General POV)  
Sanji sat smothered in the darkness around him. Silence filled the room around him, not even his heartbeat heard. 

 _'Is this what death is like?'_ Sanji thought. _'It's soothing, it's calm.'_ His thoughts floated around him. His calm darkness was disturbed by a light, his eyes cracked open against his will and Chopper hovered over him. 

"Sanji." He whispered. Sanji closed his eyes again. Sanji heard footsteps draw nearer, several pairs, all static as they they were running. The door closed with an audible thunk and the footsteps stopped at his bedside. Sanji brought his hands to cover his eyes, forcing the tears to say where they were.

"Why?" He choked out. 

"We should be asking you that question, Sanji." Nami's voice warned, a hint of friendliness behind it.

"Why did you save me?" He whispered, a ghost of hatred lingering behind the broken comment.

"Why wouldn't we?" Someone asked back, he didn't care who.

"Because I've never wanted to die so much. I want to. I want to die. I just want to slit my wrists and bleed." Sanji confessed. Nobody said a thing, and a surprised silence filled the air. "So why? Why did you take away the one thing I want so badly?" Frustrated by the silence Sanji grabbed the IV and pulled it from his arms, he started to punch his fragile stitches, ripping them open, crying as he did.

"PIN HIM DOWN!" Chopper screeched as he scrambled to find the sedatives. Zoro lunged and straddled the cook, pinning down his shoulders, as Franky pinned one arm down and Nami the other. Usopp and Robin held his legs while Brook helped Chopper look for the drugs. The reindeer found the medicine and ran back, Injecting the serum into Sanji's bloodstream. A few minutes later the cook was asleep and everyone relaxed.   
Everyone removed themselves from Sanji's brittle form, now he was asleep they could see that Sanji had lost so much weight. You could see the bones of his ribs. Dried tears still stained his pale cheeks.

"We need to help him. But the question is, how?" Usopp asked.

"First of all we should find out why he's doing it. Then help him from there." Robin answered the cannoneer. Everyone nodded and Nami was going to state something but Chopper interrupted her.

"Everyone needs to clear out. I'm going to re-stitch his arm." Chopper announced. Everyone nodded and walked out, waiting for the cook to wake.

_~timeskip~_

Sanji's eyes cracked open to see the white gaming of Chopper's office. The blonde's stomach rumbles and remembered, Lunch hasn't been prepared. Sanji sighed and slipped out of the covers, walking out of the door and heading to the galley. Everyone saw Sanji heading to the kitchen, but Franky blocked the doorway, as the door failed at that job since it was scattered across the deck.

"Franky, I need to prepare lunch, now move." Sanji warned.

"No Sanji-bro, you're not allowed in the kitchen." Franky refused. Everybody knew why he wasn't allows in there. _There were knives in the kitchen._  
"I'm cooking." Sanji demanded.

"And if you cut?" Franky asked.

"I know better than to destroy my cooking knives with my blood. I wouldn't dare." Sanji scoffed. Franky looked at the cook suspiciously, not believing him. 

"Fine Sanji, you can cook. Someone will be supervising you." Franky announced. Sanji sighed he knew he wouldn't even step one foot inside the galley alone. He just had to say yes if he wanted to cook. 

"Fine." he huffed. Franky stepped to the side, smirking triumphantly. Sanji just wondered who his supervisor was. As the blonde stood up from collecting his utensils an eye, ear and mouth on the wall silently answered his question. He cooked in relative silence until he heard Robin asking him that dreaded question. 

"Why, Cook-san?" Sanji gulped, visibly paling. 

"I'm sorry, Robin-chwan, but this is the one thing I won't burden a lady with." Sanji replied, scolding himself mentally for keeping secrets from a lady. _'Definitely a cut there'_ he thought.

"Why not?" The mouth asked.

"The reason is revolting." Sanji avoided the question. Robin looked like she was going to say something when a certain green-haired swordsman walked into the galley and cherry blossom petals were the only remnants of Robin's presence.

"We all want to know." He said plainly.

"First Robin-chwan, now you?" Sanji sighed. The swordsman took off his katanas and lay them, resting against the wall as he sat at the table.

"I'm not leaving until I have an answer." He announced. 

"Fine." The blonde sighed. "When I was at the barate, I found out that two of Zeff's men were executed.-" He rested the knife down and layed his head in his hands, elbows resting on the countertop. "- for being together. He also made a lot of homophobic jokes. The other cooks would join in, being homophobes. I was so scared, so I put on an act. Fawning at every woman I saw, treating them like princesses. Men like dirt. _I_   _was scared of love."_ Sanji finished. He turned to look at the swordsman who still sat at the table.

"I don't get it. You were scared of Zeff?" Zoro asked.

"No, how simple do you want it Shithead? I don't like women, I like men, I'm homosexual, I'm queer, Do you get it now, Zoro? _I'M GODDAMNED GAY, ZORO!_  There I said it. _Happy now?_ " Sanji growled, yelling at the end. "I also found out that the man I live is like asexual as _fuck_. He doesn't even notice when the girls in town are trying to flirt with him!  " Sanji fumed.

"Tell me about him." Zoro requested.

"Fine. He has the most amazing muscles and I kinda stare at him when he fights and when he works out. e has the manners of a pig, but I know that scoffing everything down is his way of showing he cares. He doesn't think twice about throwing his life away for his nakama. Every fight his life's on the line. He has a big dream and I want to be by his side when he achieves it, and I want him to be there when I achieve my dream. He always drinks, Sleeps and trains, he gets lost _so_ easily. I remember him getting lost in a straight corridor once. He has grass for hair and the IQ of a flea. I love the stupid mari-." Sanji described, but then cut himself off when he realised who he was explaining this too.

"So, cook, you like me?" Zoro teased. 

 "What? Gonna tease me about it? Actually I don't care anymore. Call me horrible, call me a faggot, hell you can spit at me, I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm beyond the point of caring." Sanji retorted.  Sanji  turned around, chopping the ingredients with pure anger. He heard a noise behind him. _'Just Zoro leaving'_ Sanji thought.  The noises moved closer and then jumped at the hand grasping his. It was rough and calloused against his smooth and slender ones. He looked don't and followed Zoro's arm to see his face, not in his usual scowl but a soft and caring look, it was unusual but it suit him. His face was close and his voice a hushed whisper. Sanji could feel his heart beating beating his throat at their closeness and the blush flaming on his cheeks. 

"Why would I say that about not only who is the same as me but also the one I love?" Zoro asked, before he removed the gap between their lips, and met the other in a sweet and loving kiss. Sanji's whole body froze, as if encased in a sheet of Ice. A tingle of realisation shot through Sanji's spine as Zoro started to pull away. Sanji stopped him from removing his lips from Sanji's as he grabbed Zoro's nape, tugging at his hair slightly. Zoro wa the one to freeze this , but not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, kissed back with the same force as one of his hands layed on Sanji's slim waist and the other snaking up his back. They broke off, a trail of saliva, heated blushes and laboured breaths the only sign of their confessions. 

"I love you, Zoro"

"I love you too, Sanji." 

They kissed again, oblivious to the smiling Robin in the crow's nest and the fading sakura blossoms of the eye and ear that just left the wall. And for a few moments, Sanji and Zoro forgot about the blonde's stitched and burned arms.


	3. It was me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this one too. this has been sitting on my computer for ages. Also, if you see a sudden decrease of uploads for this fic. I've been clean for about 3 months now, and I only update this fic when I... have the urge to do what Sanji does. So, just a warning. I hope you enjoy!

3rd person POV

Months passed and the cuts on Sanji's arms healed, only leaving fading scars behind, and the feelings Sanji and Zoro held for each other only grew stronger. Nothing changed, but everything did. Fights were more as an act, and for the odd fun joke. A few hours alone were stolen from the night on Zoro's or Sanji's watch. A compliment hidden under layers of insults. Once the crew had fallen asleep, Zoro would creep out of his hammock and slip into the Cook's, falling asleep to the rhythm of his breathing. 

They docked at a port side down that morning, in usual Sanji fashion he wandered  off to the kitchen to look through supplies and make a list. They walked into town. Zoro noted how Sanji's expression turned into pure happiness when he looked at the ingredients, his mind's gears twisting and churning. He had to admit the market was beautiful, market stalls lined the route, and the pair paused for a moment to survey the flamboyant scene, and observe the milling crowd. Lovers strolled hand in hand, casually browsing, whilst housewives hustled and bustled, and haggled over the price of the exotic fruits and other imported merchandise, with vendors of various nationality. Every color imaginable covered stalls, a cocaughany of vendor's shouting drifted in heir ears. Every time they anchored Zoro and Sanji morning he would drink in the colors, the aromas and the atmosphere like an elixir. He watched Sanji's expression change from the most sour scowl to the brightest smile upon interacting with the stall holders, each one almost a caricature of bubbly friendliness. They weaved through the crowds, edging through the dense flow of people with his arms getting more full by the minute. The air was perfumed with produce, the ground was gritty stone and the air a perfect pre-winter chill. There was no irritating music, just a busker with a guitar.

"How long are you gonna be shit-cook?" Zoro asked, obviously missing 'precious' napping time.

"I'll take as long as I want Marimo." Sanji snapped, his previous smile turning into a frown. Sanji continues down the stalls, bags and bags appearing in Zoro's arms. After Sanji was satisfied they returned to the Sunny. They walked down the harbor at a speedy pace until Sanji stopped sharing wide eyed at a jolly roger It was the outline of a swirl with a sword piercing it's shape and sticking out of the other side. His whole body started to shake violently, and bile built up in his throat, the burning sensation flaring in his stomach.  
"Z-Zoro?" Sanji stuttered, still staring at the flag. "What's the name of that pirate  crew?"  
"I think they're the, 'Ji' pirates." Zoro answered, eyeing the Cook suspiciously. "Why? Why are you shaking?" He asked.  
"Why do you care?" He snapped. Zoro looked away and headed to the Sunny. Sanji follows, not after casting a nervous glance at the ship beside them.  
_~an hour later~ (Sanji's POV)_  
I stood at the railing of the Sunny, smoking a pack a minute, glancing  towards the ship. Voices flew up to my ears.  
"Did ya hear?" A male asked.  
"About hyaku-ji's and hyakuichi-ji's deaths?" Another, but deeper, voice asked.  
"Yeah. They didn't just die, they were murdered." The first voice said. I froze. "Killed in cold blood. The man who did it must've been a monster. He slit their throat and cut off their hands." I tried to push back the rising flood of guilt and memories.  
"I heard the person who did it was a pirate." The deeper voice announced. When I couldn't take the emotions battling  inside me I bolted, I ran straight  towers the kitchen. I tried to stop, but I couldn't resist the urge. I grabbed the knife from under the sink, it bloodstained blade beckoning me towards it once more.I gulped as I rolled up my shirt sleeve and slit all along the length, tears mingling with the blood. Out of guilt and equally out of satisfaction.  
"It was me. It was me. It was me." I kept repeating. I kept cutting, both arms all the way down, repeating those same words. I was so caught up with the knife to my skin  I didn't hear the door opening and closing with a clang. When I did notice the presence of another was when they stopped me from cutting again, not that I could've my arm was in shreds.  
"Sanji..." A hoarse, but equally recognizable, voice whispered, their tan hands taking the knife from my grasp. I turned around and  the tears kept coming, flowing out of me as if it was the very incarnation of my endless guilt.  
"I've never wanted to die so much as I do now." I whispered. I grabbed his shirt and burying my face in his shoulder, his smell starting to calm me. "Zoro." I whispered, my voice scratchy from crying. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am, I mean it, I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry." I kept repeating my apologies into his shoulder. I stiffened momentary when I noticed a hand on my back, I sunk to the floor Zoro following, rubbing my back as I tried to calm me. As the tears slowed to a stop black clouded my vision and I fell into the grasp of sleep.  
~timeskip next morning~ (still Sanji's POV)  
I awoke to the men's dorm ceiling engulfing my sight. I say up straight and gazed at my wrists They were both covered with crisp, white bandages, couldn't say that about the gauze underneath. My clothes had been changed and I had been bathed. Nobody was in the room. I got out I the hammock and sprinted to the kitchen.  
"The kitchen!" I screamed, I tried to but my throat thought  it would be a good idea to sound like a dying frog and stab me every time I so much as breathed. When I burst into the galley my namaka eating in the, clean galley? I had questions  
First of all, who cleaned the kitchen. Second; Who had the balls to fuck with my kitchen?! I wanted to scream and shout but all came out of my mouth was a tiny squeak of.  
"Who?" I mentally face palmed at my voice, but before I could soak the door on my face Nami piped up. I don't call her Nami-swan, or any other shit I normally call her out loud, in my head.  
"I cooked. Sorry about that Sanji-kun, you were sleeping,and you rarely get a full night's sleep, so we decided not to wake you." I nodded, even though I knew she was lying, and went straight to the kitchen, part of the galley. I looked around for any crimson stains, but stopped when I caught sight of Zoro's warning glare. "Nami-swaaaan Robin-chwaaaan may I be alone with this oaf?" I asked my voice still croaking. I hated asking favors of them. They both replied with hasty 'sure' and left the room.  
"So I guess you were the one that cleaned up in here?" I asked my finger pointed down and swirling in a circling motion. He nodded. I walked over to him and sat next to the Green haired man, my lover. This was still all new to me, by this I mean having a relationship with someone who loves me back, not just one sides in my account, and thee fact that Zoro is a guy, that's defiantly new. He grabbed my left wrist and pulled up the sleeve, looking at the bandages, he held my arm like it we about to break, like as if it was a fragile daisy in his grasp.  
"Why? Why did you start again?" He asked.  
"You wouldn't understand." I whispered, glaring at my own wrist with disgust.  
"Just give me a chance." He pleaded.  
"I won't risk what a have." I refused. Goddamn, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  
"Please." He asked again, this was so odd, of Zoro. He would normally just force me to tell him.  
"No, so drop it." I refused once more  
"Did this happen in the time we are separated? And it's about those pirates we saw yesterday isn't it?" He asked in rapid fire.  
"Yes, and yes. But I. Won't tell you anything." I refused again and started preparations on some snacks for the ladies, and the Onigiri? Well, I can't remember why I made that. The day went on as normal, but I completely avoided chopper, in case he could smell the blood I fell asleep covered in. He had obviously noticed my actions and asked me at the table.  
"Sanji, why have you been avoiding me? Have I hurt you?" In the straw hats you never want to be the person who, hurts the ladies, they'll have me to deal with, or be the person who makes Chopper cry or upset, you'll have the while crew in you then.  
"It's noting Chopper, I know you hate being near me after I smoke a lot that's all." I lied. I chucked slightly web I heard heard mumbled reply of 'I hate it when you smoke at all.' From the small reindeer. I noticed that the big green moss ball didn't sit either flipping me off or  insulting me and my cooking.  
"Fucking mosshead." I mumbled as I grabbed the Onigiri from the island counter and strolled out of the large kitchen. Climbing up the mast I heard grunts of effort and the clang of weights. I opened up the trapdoor and I had a hard time swallowing. A blush punched me straight in the face as I watched the man swing the ungodly heavy weight up and down in a sword-like motion, the way his muscles bulged with the motion, and the sweat dropped from his chin and splattered into the floor. I closed my eyes and shook my head. I heard the clunk of the weights on the floor of the cross nest and I opened my eyes. Zoro stalked over to me and grabbed the Onigiri from my hands and stole a kiss from my lips, which I gladly returned. I smiled into the kiss and closed my eyes. We split apart as we walked over to the benches that lined the Sunny's crow nest. We sat in a comfortable silence, just tangled in each other. I nested my face in the crook of Zoro's neck and I felt his nose in my hair. I smiled savoring the peaceful moment that seem rare on this ship. I enjoyed the silence and I fell asleep.

~timeskip~(Sanji's POV)

I awoke from a dreamless sleep to he Marimo shaking my side.

"Cook. Wake up." He coaxed, it sounded urgent. 

"'M tired." I murmured sleepily. He grumbled something that my tired form could not interpret. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. The green haired man grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet I stumbled a bit but then realized why.   _Marines._

_"This is going to be fun."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the fight isn't up to standard. I don't really know how to write fights. Enjoy though!

_**Last time:** _

_**Sanji's POV** _

**"Cook. Wake up." He coaxed, it sounded urgent.**

**"'M tired." I murmured sleepily. He grumbled something that my tired form could not interpret. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. The green haired man grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet I stumbled a bit but then** **realised why. _Marines._**

_**"This is going to be fun."** _

I raced down the ladders, everyone was fighting, marines with guns, swords, devil fruits, the enemy's cannon's blasted the waters around us. I lit a smoke and grinned around it. I jumped into the crowd, kicking a marine's gun out of the way of Nami and landed in a handstand. Pushing up I kicked the man in the face, twisting my ankles, which were at the sides of his head now, I snapped his neck with an angry 'crack'. Marines attacked and attacked, but we refused to run away like cowards. These marines weren't even that strong either. The monster trio was more than enough. I saw Luffy Gum Gum jet Pistol the captain and he was off into the deep dark depths of the ocean, doomed to drown because of his thought thought fruit. I shuddered, the thought thought fruit sounded too much like the mind mind fruit, and I'd rather not think of that fruit and what it did.

"Cook! Stop spacing out!" I heard a gruff voice shout from behind me. I shook my head and jumped into the air, somersaulting and hitting the top of the marine's head with my heel.   
"Mind your own business for once, stupid Marimo!" I yelled back after landing on the deck once more.   
"It _is my business_ if you get killed Curly-brow!" He called. I smiled, and we finished off the marines that had now became stranded on our ship. Their vessel was at the bottom of the ocean thanks to a well-aimed cannon shot from Usopp. 

There was this one Marine that Irked me. They were an Okama, as I set eyes on them I shuddered and suppressed the itching feeling that bubbled and burned at my wrist. They attacked, sending a sharp knife at my face with a sneer.   
"I heard about what happened in Kamabakka Kingdom." I froze. No. They couldn't mean. _That?_ Could they?  
"Murderer." My shock and horror must have shown on my face because the Okama laughed.  
"Feeling guilty are we?" They asked mockingly. 

Tears began to build up behind my wide eyes. I blinked them back, I refused to cry in front of this bastard. He swung the blade at my head. 'Fuck it' I lifted my hand above my head, catching the blade between my palms. I wrestled the sword out of the Okama's grip. I grabbed the handle, and I swung it across their chest, penetrating their skin deeply, ripping their flesh and blood coated the blade. My fury started to subside as the Okama's body fell to the floor lifelessly. That was the last marine. My breath came in ragged gasps, shallow and uneven. I started at the bloody corpse in front of me with wide, terrified eyes. 

Memories flooded in my mind's eyes, tattooed on the back of my eyelids. 

_~Flashback~_

_The girl, no the woman, lay lifelessly on the grass in front of me, blood on my hands, on my_ _clothes the knife. For once, the blood coating me was not my own. It was hers. My stomach twisted and I lurched. I vomited up my stomached contents._  
"Taiga!" I heard an unfamiliar male voice yell. "Where are yo-" He was interrupted by the sight. _The girl, Taiga I presumed, dead - me covered in her blood- knife in my hand._  
"Oh, my god." He whispered in sheer and utter shock. "You bastard!" I smiled evilly and ran towards him, knife at my side. I stopped just as my head was at the side of his.   
"Sorry that you had to see that," I whispered. My arms flew upwards, gashing his arm open, and crossing over his collarbones, and then travelling slowly upwards to slit his throat. He fell backwards and I started plunging the knife into his chest, wound after wound graced his torso, his once white dress shirt was stained a deep scarlet, matching mine.  
~End flashback~

Still standing there the sword fell to the wooden deck. I was glued there, legs unmoving.  
"Hey! Sanji!" I heard Sanji yell. I couldn't take it, I fled, I fled to the boy's room. I don't know what I was so scared about, we kill all the time. _'That doesn't make it all right. Killing is wrong.'_ A voice chimed from the back of my head. _'But you don't get that concept of killing is wrong, do you? You just **had** to kill them on Kammabakka.'  I _ fell silent after that.I sighed, giving up on battling with my consciousness, deep within my mind. I fell onto my hammock, falling asleep, not bothering to unlock the door or change from the bloody clothes I was wearing.

_~Timeskip~_

Pain

Oh, how I relished the feeling, the stinging twinkled in my arm, singing songs of woe and misery in my ears.

Pain

Pain looks red, angry and crimson, soaking visions and tainting minds with its deadly obviousness. Pain is like anger, uncontrollable, but you feel better once it's passed.

I looked, at the mirror in front of me. I was something I hated. _Myself._ I was an enemy more formidable than Mihawk, Akainu, any admirals. My war wasn't waging on the outside, it was ripping me apart, tearing me to shreds from the inside. My mind was constantly bombarded with attack after attack, relentless and painful. There it is again. _Pain._ I love it, bathe in its flaming anger.

I looked again. I could see all my flaws. Not even one perfection. That's a flaw in itself. I was a perfectionist, if something was off it would irritate me, it was an irking thing sitting on the edge of my mind, ebbing at times and pushing to the forefront of my consciousness other times.It annoyed people, that's all I do, annoy, creep people out, anger them. Why didn't they just kill me already, I'm going to die soon, by another's hand or my own.  
My eye's trailed down to my bare torso. Ribs poked out from the ivory skin, I was skinny, I looked like I was starving, I hated it, it made me look weak.

"Heh, and standing in front of a mirror in only your pants at 3 am with blood flowing down your wrist doesn't make you look weak. Nice one, you're _so smart,_ Sanji." I sneered sarcastically. I could imagine my brothers saying that, or even Zoro. My hair was messy and unkempt, my face was sweaty and my fringe stuck to my face. I swept the blonde bangs from my face, revealing my other eye.

How I hated my eyes. They were blue. Blue like the sea. Blue like a fluffy jumper you put on when you're cold. They're warm, comfortable, familiar. And I hated it. If I was angry they would shift shades, happy sea blue turned into a harsh steel blue. A shade hollow, desolate, lifeless and unforgiving, almost like an icy snowstorm eternally raged behind them. I look up slightly. My eyebrows stuck out like a sore thumb. _I hated my eyebrows so much._ They curled. How, for lack of a better word, _repulsive._ Zoro's teasing doesn't help with my self-hatred. They curl the same way, I found that ugly too. Why couldn't they just be normal? As my eyes wander I felt hot tears stream down my pale cheeks.

"Weak." I choke out. I looked to my face once again, grimacing slightly. My lips quivered, eyes big and watery with more, unshed tears. Lifting up my arm once more a tear landed on my arm, the sight of the liquid unlocked the floodgates and more made their way to my chin. I slashed at my arm, slaves and slashed, my body wracked with broken sob after sob. My arm was soaked in blood now. I felt my consciousness ebb. My control began to slip. I leant into the nearby wall for support.  
"Weak, repulsive, sexist, faggot. How could Zoro love you?" I whispered into the mirror, hate and fury and raw hate dripping from every syllable. I heard groaning for from the bedroom, and quickly turned the tap on and washed my arm. Hissing in pain as the water hit the cuts, I watched the water flush down the drain with a pink tint.

After I was sure that the blood had stopped I slipped into my shirt once more and crept to my hammock, putting my razor in the draw I sighed and fell into my hammock, falling asleep immediately.

_Zoro's POV_

After the cook had fallen into his hammock and when I could hear his light snores I got up from my own. I slipped next to him and slid his sleeve up to see new cuts littering from wrist to elbow. Angry red lines intermingled with the fading silvery scars. I sighed in worry and slid his sleeve back down.  
"Oh, Sanji," I whispered as I wandered to the bathroom, there was a small puddle of blood lying there, small but a stark contrast to the pristine white tiles around it. I heard footsteps, followed by the tired, but worried chirp of Chopper outside the closed door.  
"Zoro, what's wrong? I can smell blood."  
"Nothing is wrong, Chopper." I said, tired myself. Silence from the other side, I could almost feel his uncertainty. He was debating if it was my blood or not.  
"It's not my blood, Chopper," I added, tearing some toilet roll and wiping down the floor. More silence.  
"He did it again, didn't he?" Chopper asked, he had no need to clarify, we both knew who.  
"Yeah." Was the only answer the small reindeer revived. I heard the little one sigh, and the boy's dormitory door opened and shut with a small 'click'.

After the floor was clean and no blood was found I flushed the bloody tissue down the toilet. As I walked into the bedroom I was Chopper dabbing disinfectant on an unconscious Sanji's wrist.  
"Theses are deep." He stated, his high voice was a serious, deep tone and he had a concerned look on his face. He didn't bandage it, though, disinfectant was enough, the Cook didn't know we were awake.  
"Even a centimetre deeper and he would've died, if you didn't wake up, or the smell woke me up." He added. My face paled, this was serious. It already was, but I didn't think it was _this_ serious.  
"What do you think we should do?" I asked.  
"I don't know. But it has to stop." Chopper said, "Soon. He's going to die if this keeps up." I nodded, even if Chopper didn't see.  
"Night Chopper." I yawned. He saved back a hasty 'night' and was out like a light. So was I once I was laying with Sanji on my chest.

_~timeskip because I'm lazy~ (Sanji's POV)_

I awoke at my usual time, 5 am,  and yawned as I fought my way into a sitting position. Slipping passed the marimo in my hammock, I changed into my usual clothes, being careful not to jostle my arms too much, the cuts could reopen with the slightest knock.   
"Cook." A voice whispered through the darkness as my hand lingered over the brass doorknob. "Why?" I gulped, 'Zoro found me last night didn't he?' He recognised my lack of response.   
"You nearly died last night." Tears started to break free from the confines of my eyes. Throwing open the door, a cry ripping from my throat, I ran as fast as I could to the galley.   
  
I didn't start cooking until an hour later. Instead, I held my head in my hands, elbows resting on the island counter. I whispered to myself, tearing myself apart again.  
"You relapsed after 4 months, incompetent fool."  I was so into my rant I failed to hear the door opening, I did notice the arms that wrapped around me, pulling me into a muscled chest. I didn't resist, instead, I grabbed onto his white shirt, almost tearing it with my firm grasp. I felt his hand make comforting circles on my back

_(Zoro's Pov)_

I arose to the cook yawning next to me, it was our usual routine. He slipped out of the hammock, I looked over to him, worried.   
"Cook," I called, he froze, not doing or saying anything, "Why?" No response here either. "You nearly died last night." Silence. Then, with a heartbreaking sob, he threw open the door and raced out. I stood there in silence for a few moments before I raced out to join him. I had no idea where he went, but I decided to check the galley first, seemed the most logical place he would run to, in the time of a crisis. 

I found him there, tears dripping onto the counter upon wich he had his elbows resting, head in his hands.   
"You relapsed after 4 months, incompetent fool." He whispered to himself, voice hoarse and scratchy from crying. I pulled him into a hug, he grasped my shirt tightly, wetting it with more tears. I rubbed circles on his back, no words were exchanged. It was too painful for me to talk. It was like holding a piece broken glass and clenching your fist tightly, hearing him verbally rip himself to shreds was worse than the strike that gave me my scar. Sanji was so _broken,_ and I felt disgusted with myself that it got to this point without nobody realising. The room was deathly silent, illuminated by the early morning sun, only broken by broken whispers and cries. I was listening intently, and I swear I would have missed what the Cook said if it wasn't only us in the room.  
_"I want to die, so much."_ My eyes widened and looked down to the man clinging to my shirt as if it was the last thing that could tether him to reality.  
"Cook," I whispered, to be honest, I had no clue what to say. He was falling apart in my arms, I hugged him closer as if holding him tighter would fix him. We sank to the floor, and I heard footsteps, I doubted the cook did, he was crying too loud and hard. I looked to the open doorway, everyone stood there, looking at us with worried eyes. I heard a collection of gasps from the crew. I looked down once more and saw that my white shirt was stained red, Sanj's cuffs were red. 

"Cook, Stay awake. Chopper!" I called, pushing away the panic.   
"No! Leave me be." He requested, making everyone freeze. "Let me die." he finished off with a whisper.  
"No, Cook. You're not going to die on my watch." I reprimanded him slightly. He still clung to my shirt, but the tears had slowed, not stopped completely they still fell silently, but slowed a bit.  
"Stupid Swordsman." He chuckled, "You never realise when you've lost." And with that, the fading Cook fell limp in my arms.

"Sanji!"

 


End file.
